Lolida 2000 (1998)

Hello hello my B-Movie Enema fans… My Enemaniacs, if you will. Welcome back to our theme month Full Moon Fever III: For the Love of Jacqueline Lovell! Last week, we went right to the source at Full Moon, Charles Band, to watch his incredibly fun monster romp, Head of the Family. This week, we’re gonna be going a little sexier.

This week, we’re going to watch Lolida 2000!

…Or LOLITA 2000. Yeah, IMDb lists this movie as Lolita 2000. It’s also shown as that on Full Moon DVD menus if you go looking for their movie previews. It’s kind of funny, honestly. It kind of shows you how fast and loose things might be over at Full Moon. I’d be curious to find out if Jacqueline Lovell knows there are two versions of this title that even Full Moon can’t agree on. What about director Sybil Richards?

Oh yeah… This also signals the return of Sybil Richards. A few years ago when we did the Torchlight Diaries, we saw two films of hers in that one month, Virgin Hunters 2 and Femalien, which also featured our lovely leading lady of this month, Jacqueline Lovell. I would suspect that Cybil Richards (or Sybil Richards as she’s sometimes credited) is a pseudonym. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it is Charles Band himself, or possibly even David DeCoteau. Either which way, guy or gal or nonbinary pal… Whichever or whoever Cybil Richards really is, they are welcome here!

Okay, so another thing to note here is that on IMDb’s listing for Lolida… er… Lolita 2000, the synopsis says this is a modern adaptation of Vladimir Nabokov’s novel from an exotic and sci-fi perspective. Really? Is it really? I kind of doubt it. One, Wikipedia doesn’t list this as an adaptation to Nabokov’s book. Okay, maybe they don’t know about it. But if I look at the back of the Lolida 2000 box, it talks about Lovell’s Lolida being charged with getting rid of materials that have been banned in a near future dystopia, only to find that some of the material changes her mind and opinions and she broadcasts these materials to the world to create a sexual revolution.

And… Let’s be honest. Jacqueline Lovell could create a sexual revolution.

Am I right?

To me, I think this is much more the common thing that happened during the 80s and 90s in the sci-fi genre. It follows more along the lines of a future that has gone completely and totally to shitsville by way of banning something we all enjoy or take for granted. In Lolida 2000‘s case? It’s sex and pleasure. That’s why our titular lead’s broadcasting these stories she’s come across that she was supposed to destroy and creating a whole awakening. We’re going to get into it here in just a minute.

But then! As I watched the trailer to get that quick shot of our leading lady, I found out this movie has YET ANOTHER TITLE:

Oh, for fuck’s sake, guys! Get your shit together with the title of this movie! Now, I have an idea of why this has these types of titles. Just the year before, 1997, Showtime made another version of Nabokov’s book, Lolita, which also is quite popular due to Stanley Kubrick making the 1962 version starring James Mason, Shelley Winters, Peter Sellers, and Sue Lyon. The 1997 version was with Jeremy Irons and Dominique Swain and was meant to kind of evoke that Kubrick version but also went further on some of the darker stuff. My guess is there was concern over the title or being sued or something. Maybe Full Moon couldn’t get their shit together for the title after all.

Anyway, whatever you want to call it, Lolida 2000, Lolita 2000, or, sigh… O Lita 2000, it’s a movie that promises titties. So let’s get going with it, shall we?

Our movie kicks RIGHT off with a shot of a future city and the title telling us we’re watching Lolida 2000. Great! We’ve got ourselves a title. Immediately, we meet Jacqueline Lovell in her secret base of computers and what not telling people that she’s sending out a transmission. She introduces herself as well as the credits telling us that she’s playing “Lolita”… Sigh… Fucking shit. I’m just going to call her Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee, okay? Anyway, Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee here is begging to not be shut down. She wants to show people something that “they” don’t want them to see. How does she know this? Because she was one of the people sent to destroy these CDs that contain erotic stories that she wants to share with the world now… Or at least share with anyone tuning in. I like that this is basically a movie version of a TV show that would have been on 90s Playboy TV or something.

Now, I’ve already got the impression that Jacqueline Lovell will only be seen in this secret base full of computers and introducing these stories. We might get some nice interludes with her, but I don’t think we should expect her to be any kind of significant participant in any of these stories we’re about to see in this anthology. So, I guess be ready for that. Either way, at least our hostess for this movie is the mostest.

We do at least get a little bit of historical footage of Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee going through her day-to-day job and reviewing banned material. She’s deleting a music video with a nun shredding an electric guitar. But then… She comes across a porno where a guy and girl are just going at it. Instead of deleting it, she begins to unzip her more work-appropriate silver catsuit to play with her tits while watching the girl get railed. I guess that’s all it took and now she’s bringing down the system, baby!


That does beg the question… Was she brand new to the job? Was it something about this particular porno that broke her free of her societal chains? Either way, as soon as she does not delete the porno and takes it off her machine, alarms sound, and she has to cheese it with the remaining discs. She tells everyone that she’s going to show them how important all this is and why she is fucking… er… bucking the system.

Our first story features an art class and a particular student, Sherri, who seems really into learning art and stuff. The teacher is excited for the class today because the students are moving on from bowls of fruit to studying the human form. In walks this slender, and very tan, lady with just the roundest fake tits you ever will see. Seriously, I don’t think that’s saline in there. I think she got softballs put in there by mistake.

Anyway, Sherri begins working on her portrait of this model. However, as she studies the girl, Sherri begins getting these weird flashes of seeing this girl through various colors and effects and the girl is maybe being restrained or being attacked by an unseen assailant. Sherri is also seemingly scribbling away on her easel too. It’s like these visions are forcing her own body to seize and have muscle twitches and such. Sherri is forced to get up and storm out of the class telling the teacher that she is sorry but she just can’t do it. The teacher picks up the pictures Sherri made and ponders…

How is this girl getting an A in my class?

Sherri’s boyfriend is worried about her. She’s clearly been acting strange. She’s cold all the time and she doesn’t want to go out anymore. When the boyfriend presses about what’s wrong, she snaps at him. When she goes into the bathroom to prepare for a shower, she’s scared by the reflection of someone that only she can see.

That night, she has a nightmare of a hand with long, sharp fingernails running all over her body. She talks to her psychiatrist and tells him that she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, but it feels like she’s outside her body. He decides that he should try hypnosis on her to try to get to the root of the problem. Sherri remembers a time in which she and her boyfriend, Tom, had a real sensual soft core porn encounter with ice and him kissing all her erogenous zones like her belly button and the front side of her thigh… You know, all the places late night Skinamax movies told us girls were driven nuts by. This launches into a full on soft core sex scene. The scene ends with Tom proposing to Sherri.

Admittedly, it’s not that special. I’ve seen way hotter soft core scenes in the 90s. Everything in the movie Embrace of the Vampire was hotter than this. This is one of the stories that is meant to change the world. Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee alone playing with herself was sexier.

Anyway, When Sherri’s doctor asks where her ring is now, she begins to freak out. Someone, or something, took it from her. He has her go back to when she first starting to feel apprehensive. She was painting one day and suddenly the entire apartment shakes. The “visitors” have come back for her. All of a sudden, we learn that she was abducted when she was 13 and the same aliens are now here for her again. I’ll admit… I didn’t see this coming.

The visitors examine Sherri to make sure she was ready for some experiments. Sherri begins to realize these are not dreams she’s having. The visitors really were messing with her. She’s kept in a cell and soon, a man named Sasha is brought in with her. Neither of them know where they are and how long they’ve been there. One thing is for sure, they are both naked, and they were there so long they have become friends. Close friends.

Close naked friends.

Just as they were about to kiss, the visitors take Sasha away. After they returned him from his experiments, the couple decide to relieve some tension by having some spaceship fuckin’. After they climax, they are immediately taken by the visitors and put back on the examination tables. The visitors tell them they just wanted to watch them “make love”. That’s all. That’s all they wanted. Why didn’t they just watch what was going on in their little prison cell? I mean, Sasha is probably pretty tired. Anyway… I guess all this has reminded Sherri that she likes her dreams and she just wants to wait for the visitors to return to take her where she belongs. The end.

The… The end? That’s it? She likes aliens watching her fuck? Okay.

Anyway, we come back from that to see that Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee is a little derelict in her hosting duties. That’s because she’s going to town hard with another woman. Niiice. This turns out to be kind of funny because she notices they are back from the first story and is startled and has to shoo the other girl away and straighten up her clothes. She apologizes and says that obviously these kinds of stories can lead to all sorts of interesting conversations. That’s been the best six seconds in the entire movie.

She introduces the next story by saying that whoever controls the mind can control society. She asks us viewers if we’re in control of our own mind. The next story kicks off with a girl being brought to a penal colony on some alien world. She’s put into a prison cell with another girl who happens to be some sort of alien. But she looks like a human. But she’s an alien. Anyway, you have blonde human who wants to be left alone and carrying a pretty hefty attitude. Her cellmate is redhead alien. I feel like that’s the only names we’re going to have.

The hard ass lady warden who wears 50s biker leather, tells Blondie that she’s being detained for trespassing into their space and she’s going to be sentenced to ten years. The race of people who run this penal colony, I believe, are called the Kalvans or Calvins? Eh… Anyway, these people are pretty darn strict with the rules. However, the warden tries appealing to Blondie’s senses by saying if she cooperates and does some things for her, she’ll have Blondie’s sentence lightened. After all, she’ll make it worth our little Earth girl’s time.

You know what I mean…

Yeah you do.

So I guess this second story is a space women in prison story. I can dig it. Blondie’s put back in her cell and Red asks her if she’s ever been with a Feline before. I guess Red is a cat lady. Anyway, she begins kissing Blondie and she’s like, “Whoa there, cat girl… This isn’t my scene, ya dig?” Red is persistent and is just like, “Yo, just give it a try.”

So Red just keeps up the kissing and the lap dancing and what have you. I think Red is the same girl who was the art class subject… or maybe not. Maybe she just goes to the same boob doc as that other girl because she also has those crazily perfect spherical softball tits.

Anyway, that scene kind of ends and Blondie spots a guy in another cell across the way and decides to put on a little show for him. You know… because the two girls grinding against each other earlier wasn’t enough of a show – at least for this guy. When a guard walks by, the guy slinks back to the bunk in his cell, frustrating Blondie. Later, the guy finds Blondie somewhere in the showers or locker room or the engine room… I’m not sure. She’s wearing a towel as if she just got out of the shower and he’s fully clothed as if he’s working on the engines. Anyway, he tells her she needs to shape up or she’s going to find herself detained here for the rest of her life. They aren’t supposed to look at or talk to each other. She says she’s going to leave and she’s not going to listen to anything anyone else has to say.

Buuuut, she will have sex with the guy since it’s the middle of a shift change for the guards.

Blondie’s kind of an asshole. She’s tough and independent, but it makes her a brat and potentially a problem for everyone around her. If she refuses to at least APPEAR to follow the rules of the prison, she’s going to get herself and just about everyone else punished big time.

And sure enough, after they banged, they are caught by the guards. According to the boss lady warden, the guy got disciplined and of no use to Blondie now. Great. Her insistence of rules only being for nerds probably got that dude’s dick cut off. She tells the warden she don’t care. So the warden strips herself and Blondie naked and goes down on her. There! You happy? Your inability to follow rules has only served to get you eaten out. Jerk!

Wait… That… That might actually not be much of a punishment. Maybe the warden’s race of people have serrated tongues that are super sharp? No? Blondie’s let out of her binds and she decides to go down on the warden now?

Nah, I’m only kidding. It was a ruse for Blondie to get the warden tied up and for Blondie to try to rescue Red and Dude Guy. However, Dude Guy has been mortally wounded. So Blondie and Red leave through the ventilation shafts, but Red gets scared because she only knows of life in the prison. Blondie finds her way out of the ventilation, only to be captured by the warden and Red. Turns out, this was all virtual reality. Blondie crossed into this race’s space and they decided to use her for an experiment. There was no prison. There was no boning. There was no lesbian alien love. She trespassed, that gave these people the sense they were right to experiment on her. Okay?

Hot As Silver Tits McGee comes back and says she thought we would like that story. Eh… I hate to go against our leading lady of the month, but it wasn’t that great of a story. Amazon Hot Box it was not. Ilsa, the Wicked Warden it couldn’t approach. Anyway, we learn this is the last story before the security forces catch Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee.

Our third, and final, story starts out at a roadside diner in the middle of nowhere and everyone has southern accents and talk like real rubes. Like how all roadside diners are treated in movies. They’re always in some desert like place. Always filled with the same truckers no matter where they are truckin’. Always worked by sassy waitresses with a lot of plain ol’ common sense. And everyone in the place talks with an accent. Movies! Gotta love ’em.

The waitress is Kealy. The trucker in the picture above is Jake. They have the hots for one another. Kealy is especially interested in Jake’s college boy brains. She’s never had a college boy before. There’s a lot of innuendo between these two. Eventually, they decide to bang in the bathroom that sits off of the storage room of the diner to a twangy guitar score.

I don’t know much about how much the procedure cost, but I have to imagine Kealy is a pretty darn good waitress and gets a lot of tips because she’s got a pretty damn good boob job. Anyway, after they’re done, she asks how long he’s going to be sticking around, and he says that he’s hittin’ the bricks as soon as he’s done eating his pancakes. While he washes up, it looks like lightning strikes and it disorients him for a second. When he comes out of the bathroom, he’s been transported back to the 50s. The diner’s the same, but everything inside has gone back in time.

He finds out it’s 1955 and it seems that even Kealy has the same name, but she just thinks that his weird behavior is a sign that he just needs to eat his breakfast and get some rest. An old trucker that he saw before everything went goofy comes back in and Jake asks him about it and the guy tells him he’s time slippin’. There are lots of times in which he could end up. When the old guy disappears, Jake tries to get the attention of a young couple in a booth making out. Soon, they start doing more than make out. These are the two that Hot Ass Silver Tits McGee saw that made her question society earlier that launched the whole movie.

All I know for sure, though, is that I don’t think I want to sit in that booth when I go to this diner to get some lunch.

I’m not sure I understand anything about this story. Jake comes in and helps Kealy with her crossword puzzle because he’s smart. They bang in the bathroom as most truckers would at the truck stop I assume. He then travels back in time and sees Kealy dressed as Marilyn Monroe, learns about time slippin’, and then watches a couple fuck. The girl pushes him back into the backroom and it apparently sends him back to the present. While he’s in there, he time jumps again.

This time, though? He ends up in Mad Max times.

So, yeah, this place is bombed out, dirty as hell, and now completely and totally overrun with bikers and other general mutant toughs. The main part of the diner is now a fight club set of mattresses where dudes and girls fight each other for entertainment. When two girls fight, they add in cat sound effects because, you know… catfights. Does this lead back to the visitors from the first story doing the time shenanigans? Does it have something to do with the virtual reality of the second story? Probably neither. So what’s the point of the story?

Are you telling me that a movie released through the parent company that is Full Moon would sell me a movie that has no real plot, no real anything to hold onto, and just a bunch of tits and fuck scenes? Shocked! I am completely shocked by this possibility!

Well, it’s even dumber than that. Jake told Kealy that there just wasn’t enough time for him to stick around longer for them to fuck more. And because of that, the old trucker guy says that “they” are going to give him a whole bunch of time. So he’s going to be flying around the timeline of this diner from cavemen times to the 50s to the present to Mad Max times. I guess it’s up to Jake to figure out the time in which he belongs and make the most of it? Are you really trying to have this angle with this, movie? Yeah? Okay.

Anyway, Jake ends up in cavemen times and decides to fuck the cavewoman there that is kind of the 50s girl of that time. This is another of those times, and I feel like I’ve had about five of these during this movie, in which I just kind of have to shrug at what the movie is doing. Not out of boredom. It’s more out of just acceptance that this is what we’re doing here. Eventually, cavewoman Kealy gets involved but that ends up in a prehistoric orgy with all the other cavemen. I guess that’s like the sixth or seventh time I’ve just shrugged.

Here’s the interesting thing about Lolida 2000… The movie has some interesting set pieces and flashes of ideas. The time traveling diner is not a bad idea. The VR prison is not a bad idea. The aliens who like to watch is not a bad idea. These are all, to be sure, titillating. As a series that could do some things with these ideas on a weekly bases on Cinemax or something… fine. It would be like 30 minutes an episode and you’d have the intro, the story, the outro, and you’re off to bed after emptying your balls.

However, in an 82-minute movie, for some reason it isn’t landing for me. I keep wanting just a little bit more from each scene/scenario. It, much like me, just doesn’t come.

I may have spoke too soon.

Okay, I would watch Jacqueline Lovell read the back of an Ex-Lax box wearing a Grimace costume with only her head sticking out of it. Therefore, the opening and the prelude to the final scene was already nice, but the first story ends and we get to see her completely and totally smash her face against another girl as they make out as hard as I’ve ever seen two girls do. But then, we are truly treated to a full on strip scene from Lovell to finish this movie and… Well, we see everything. So, yes, the movie ends on a pretty hot note.

There’s a lot to say that makes this at least somewhat watchable. Some of the actresses are pretty hot even with today’s standards. Yes, there’s at least a modicum of budget here for the set pieces. Remember, back during Full Moon Fever II, I figured out that some of the later movies produced by Full Moon (through either Torchlight or Surrender or whatever subsidiary) were likely produced for the cost of McDonalds hamburgers. Yeah, it’s the second straight paragraph with a McDonalds reference, deal with it. This movie was not made on that kind of a budget. Sure, there is a budget here, for sure, but it’s not so low that you laugh at it. There’s some bad writing and bad acting, but what do you want – Oscar quality or a boner?

For 82 minutes, seeing a bunch of tits and grinding, and being absolutely rewarded by a sexy strip tease from Jacqueline Lovell that is, frankly, on the level of one of her Playboy or Penthouse videos, I can’t complain too much.

What I will say, though, is that next week, we keep with the erotic and bring back David DeCoteau for one of the more infamous late 90s Full Moon movies. Join me while I talk about 1999’s The Killer Eye. But before we get an eyeful of a lot of eyeball tentacle action, tomorrow is the release of the 50th episode of B-Movie Enema: The Series. I’ll be watching one of those great superhero ripoffs, Supersonic Man. So check the links at the top right of this page or come back here tomorrow night for when that episode arrives.

Until then, let us all wish Jacqueline Lovell Godspeed as she keeps circulating the tapes in that cold, dystopian future.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s