It’s a swingin’ good time here at B-Movie Enema!

This week, we’re going to look at the first of a couple of films from producer Saul David, who wanted to create something sort of like James Bond, a massive breakout star by this time, after only four incredibly popular Bond films in four consecutive years. David wanted this new hero to be a different “cup of tea” to Bond. This guy was going to be sensitive and sensible. He’s going to be loyal to his own individual code.

This new hero is Derek Flint, a spy extraordinaire. He used to be an agent of Zonal Organization World Intelligence Espionage (better known as Z.O.W.I.E.). He is now retired and just hanging out with his live-in babes, whom he calls his “playmates.” This swinging rich bachelor, who has four girlfriends, is played by James Coburn.

His role as Derek Flint in this film, 1966’s Our Man Flint, would actually serve as Coburn’s first actual lead role in a motion picture. Prior to this film, Coburn had been in quite a few supporting roles. Saul David would say that Coburn was undoubtedly one of the most interesting-looking actors working in films in the 60s. He had to be David’s Flint.

Coburn’s performance would make him a star. Coburn would become a leading man in action roles for decades after this film’s release. He’d appear in westerns, war movies, and more. In the spring of 1998, Coburn was awarded the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for playing Glen Whitehouse, the abusive head of the Whitehouse family in the Paul Schrader film Affliction. Most of the positive reviews for Our Man Flint seem to call out Coburn as the very reason why the movie was reviewed well and recommended by critics.

Our Man Flint is directed by a real mensch named Daniel Mann. Mann worked pretty heavily between the early 50s to the late 80s. However, he’s probably best known for being the director of BUtterfield 8. Two things about that movie. It was an Academy Award-winning turn for one of the greatest film stars ever, Elizabeth Taylor. Second, I never knew until this very moment that the film is actually spelled BUtterfield 8 with both the B and the U capitalized. Why? Well, if you are of a certain age, you might be aware of telephone exchanges instead of all-number dialing. KLondike 5 would be 5-5-5. So someone might say, “Call us at KLondike 5-5555.” For this movie, which was adapted from a novel and both used the title as such, the title is referencing 2-8-8, the first three numbers of a telephone number.

Annnnnyway…

The movie opens with weather gone wild all over the globe. Z.O.W.I.E. is holding a meeting to try to figure out how to stop this. Dams are bursting. Volcanoes are erupting. Thunderstorms and hurricanes are ripping through coastal cities. Tornadoes are destroying the Great Plains. Even the Arctic is experiencing a rise in temperatures of nearly five degrees, threatening to create a runaway climate situation that could raise the sea level.

Who is causing all this chaos? Those dastardly dastards from Galaxy. Z.O.W.I.E.’s chief, Cramden (played by Lee J. Cobb) believes they already have Galaxy surrounded. They are going to show they are stronger than these evil jerks. Well, that team of agents he sent out is lost. It just seems like Galaxy is too strong and one step ahead of Z.O.W.I.E. Cramden says they need to use the computer to find the perfect man for the job.

Every computer has the same answer: Derek Flint. But Cramden refuses. Flint is a loose cannon and can’t, nay, WON’T follow orders. It’s not until the President himself calls Cramden to tell him it has to be Flint. I wonder how many times Flint’s had to tell them not to call and interrupt his kung fu!

Derek Flint may be “retired,” but he still stays in shape. He keeps four or five guys around to beat up while practicing his kung fu. These guys also help him do fencing. Each time someone comes and tells Flint he’s been sent by Cramden, Flint interrupts the guy and walks away. Cramden, facing heat from the President, you know, while the world freakin’ burns, is ordered to go himself to recruit the former agent.

Flint has some fun with Cramden. He makes him wait an uncomfortable amount of time before opening the door to him. He then has a German Shepherd run up and lead Cramden in by the hand. When Cramden extends his hand to shake Flint’s, that dog growls at the Z.O.W.I.E. chief. Flint just likes fuckin’ with his old boss.

Derek Flint is a man of incredible wealth and international mystery. He flies to Moscow to teach ballet. He has a woman, Leslie, who shaves him at his beck and call. He has a second woman, Gina, who picks out his suit for the day. A third woman, Sakito, handles his finances and non-playmate-affiliated affairs. A fourth woman, Anna, works as his masseuse.

All the while, Cramden tries to recruit Flint to save the world. Flint feels that the world often has a way to save itself without him. Frustrated, Cramden leaves in a huff. The moment he steps off the plane at the Pentagon, the President calls, sending Cramden right back onto the plane to try to get Flint once again.

Galaxy is already onto Z.O.W.I.E.’s plans. A woman we saw in the opening, kind of helping to orchestrate the various disasters all over the globe, is watching Flint and his four “playmates” as they enter a restaurant. This is Gila. She is a section head for Galaxy. She answers to the trio of mad scientists who run the evil organization – Dr. Krupov, Dr. Wu, and Dr. Schneider.

She’s been sent to end Flint before his mission can even possibly start. Posing as a harpist at the restaurant, she tries to fling a poison dart at Flint while he dances with his playmates with the strings of the harp. However, she misses Flint. Instead, the dart strikes Cramden. Flint saves the life of his old boss by pinching the poison out of the wound after making a crude, on-the-spot incision.

Realizing that the dart was meant for him, he realizes he has no choice but to take this job. He probably should stop the bad guys before they kill him. He accepts the job to lead the mission against Galaxy. He says goodbye to his playmates, telling them that he will be back in, like, a couple of days. That’s how fucking good Flint is.

He also doesn’t accept the Walther PPK or the suitcase full of gadgets and weapons from Cramden. He prefers his own code book and his own methods of killing people. Oh, he also doesn’t want a team with him. He works alone. When Cramden gets back the chemical analysis of the poison dart he got hit with, he’s curious to see there were other recipe-based items that were on the feather. These herbs immediately point Flint to Marseille because these herbs, in this exact proportion, are how you make bouillabaisse. Whoever was handling that dart had been in Marseille in the last 24 hours.

And so Flint is off to Marseille. He goes from restaurant to restaurant trying bouillabaisse to try to find out where the would-be assassin started. In a dive in what I assume is the red-light district, Flint strolls in. There, Gila is berating her goon, Hans Gruber (no shit, this is the same name used for Alan Rickman’s villain in Die Hard), for being careless enough to leave the clue for Flint to follow. Flint and another agent contact, 0008, get into a fake brawl to exchange some information. 0008 tells Flint that whatever he’s working on is bigger than SPECTRE. It’s none other than Galaxy. They are being funded by a narcotics syndicate.

Flint has his bouillabaisse, and it’s the exact mix of the herbs. He goes to the restroom and is followed by Hans Gruber. I like this line he has when he recognizes Hans. He says, “Gruber, Hitler Youth Movement, escaped during the Nuremberg Trials.” As Gruber pulls out a gun and aims it at Flint, he just says, “I’m much nicer now.” That’s pretty good stuff.

With the help of his karate talents, Flint is able to avoid being killed. In the toilet stall, Gruber tries to stab him with his knife, but Flint overpowers him. He ends up stabbing the goon, killing him. It’s actually a kind of chilling thing. All the while, we’ve seen Flint as the happy-go-lucky, refined man who is too good for guns and knives in the special suitcase. But here, he beats the shit out of a guy, disarms him, and kills him with his own weapon. It’s kind of visceral and brutal enough to be done where we actually can’t see him deliver the killing stab.

To disguise himself when he exits the bathroom, he dresses up like an Arab and fires his gun into the air to empty the bar. That way, he can investigate the trinket left behind where Gruber and Gila were sitting. Before leaving, she rigged it to explode. After investigating the leftover pieces of the trinket, he’s on his way to Rome to follow Galaxy’s breadcrumbs.

Speaking of Galaxy, Gila radios in to inform the three doctors that she has eliminated Flint. However, they already know that, despite her hearing the explosion, it did not kill Flint. Malcolm Rodney, another section head of Galaxy, reported that to their superiors. It’s already clear that Gila is coming up against some disappointment from her bosses and co-workers. Malcolm is taking advantage of this to further his status in the organization. Gila has a plan, though… She’s targeting Flint’s playmates. One by one, the girls are kidnapped by various agents of Galaxy.

Meanwhile, Flint is in Rome. He knows he’s kind of walking into a trap. All the clues he’s picked up have led him to the Exotica Beauty Company. He sends a message to Cramden saying that either this will lead him to Galaxy’s lab or he’ll need to send flowers to his funeral. There, he meets Gila. There is absolutely no pretense here. Flint says he recognizes her. She says they met twice, indicating she attempted to kill him twice.

Oh, and she’s like, “Yeah, this is 100% a trap, Mr. Flint.”

She tells him there is a place she has to take him to talk about this business. Now, the business they have to talk about is the kind that uses lips and tongues and lots and lots of hands exploring each other. Now, I mentioned there was no pretense here between them, and that’s largely true, but there is a tiny bit of misdirection. Flint wants to seduce Gila, and Gila is more than happy to seduce Flint. Might as well enjoy all the shenanigans that go into the spy business. She tells him about a volcano that Galaxy is hanging out at, where they control the weather and various other natural disasters they’ve set off.

She pretends to sleep while he gets out of bed, dresses, and sneaks off to go to the volcano. Now, Derek Flint is no James Bond. Bond may know when a bad girl needs to be seduced to help resolve a mission, but he very rarely is completely blinded by a woman’s sexy bod and whatnot that he would willingly walk into an obvious trap. But then again… I dunno… Flint is almost unnervingly confident and cocky.

That said, Flint sneaks around Gila’s office at Exotica. While he’s cracking the giant safe in her super secret office closet, Malcolm and another Galaxy goon arrive behind him to lock him in the safe to seemingly deliver him to the Mediterranean volcano hideout of Galaxy. However, using his trusty lighter, Flint manages to cut his way out of the safe. He listens in on the conversation between Gila and Malcolm. He learns that his playmates have been kidnapped and going through “programming.”

Originally, Flint was going to tell Cramden the location of their base so they could attack and destroy it. However, after learning that his playmates are on the island, he tries a different tactic. He has this nifty trick of being able to fake his own death by lowering his heart rate way down. He did this prior to going on his mission, to which his playmate Leslie commented on how much she doesn’t like him putting himself in this kind of trance because he’s so deathlike. He uses his watch to time how long he remains like this.

But for the purposes of this misdirection, it gives Galaxy enough belief that he is dead, and they take a picture of him in a coffin and send it to Z.O.W.I.E. Cramden, and the rest of the Z.O.W.I.E. guys are pretty bummed out about this. There’s no time to grieve, though, because Galaxy televises more disasters. They tell the world they are everybody’s friends, but they are totally going to fuck up Hiroshima by igniting a dormant volcano. Galaxy will stop all this destruction, but they ask for the destruction of all nuclear weapons, all air forces, and all navies of countries around the world.

Upon arrival at Galaxy Island in the Mediterranean, Flint’s watch revives him. He sneaks into the base, kills one of the Galaxy goons who just works in the warehouse or whatever, and takes his clothes. As he sneaks around, he sees that the outside of this island is kind of a paradise. Guys get to hang out with sexy babes, and everyone seems pretty chill. It’s kind of a resort-like facility.

I bet that fucker Jeffrey Epstein saw this and thought, “Yeah, like that, but grosser…”

Flint tries to radio back to Z.O.W.I.E., but the trio of doctors told the organization that they have completely blocked out all radio waves, so there is no way for anyone to communicate with anyone before they respond with their decision to comply with their demands. All the men and women Flint saw outside entered the building. An “anti-American eagle” guards the door, trained to attack anyone who is an American. When it menacingly flies toward Flint, he’s discovered and captured. He’s brought to the doctors, who give him a chance to join their new world order. He tells them to get fucked. They sentence him to death by disintegration.

A joke that very nearly flies past the audience is revealed here in this scene. Flint is met by Dr. Krupov, who introduces himself first. Then, he introduces Dr. Wu and Dr. Schneider. This whole time, we assume the Asian guy is Wu. No. In fact, he’s Schneider. The other white dude is Dr. Wu. I see what you did there, movie.

Malcolm Rodney decides to use this moment to also be a major dick to Gila. Before the doctors can ask Flint to join them, they compliment him about how resourceful he has been in getting this far. Malcolm says that really, the credit should go to Gila. She used her wiles and charms to sleep with Flint, allowing him to be placed in a situation in which he could get to the island. He convinces the doctors that they made a sentimental mistake in allowing her to take the lead in dealing with Flint. So… well, she needs to serve Galaxy in a different way.

Effectively, she’s going to be taken to where Galaxy creates “pleasure units” – girls who effectively just fuck dudes on Galaxy Island. In fact, a lot of what Galaxy does is brainwash people to accept the doctors’ ideals of a world without guns, violence, individuality, and… I dunno, probably roast beef. Though I do like the idea of a paradise/utopia where I can just hang out with bikini babes. That seems fun.

Anywho, Flint is able to escape the “defragmentizer” that would basically atomize him. Before Gila was taken away to be brainwashed, she slipped Flint’s Swiss Army Lighter that he uses to blowtorch, communicate, and light smokes back into his pocket. He uses that to create a smoke bomb, which gets one of the Galaxy goons atomized. The lighter itself gets atomized right before the other goon in the room also suffers the same fate. He escapes into the programming room and finds Gila to free her by confusing the programming after he gets rid of the guard.

And just like that, a section leader of Galaxy, who gave her entire professional career to this evil organization that wants to destroy the world and create a utopia with a bunch of bikini babes, is now totally cool with being a good guy and helping Flint. Okay, okay… they did want her to go get turned into a mindless fucktoy. She was no longer treated with any respect beyond what her body could do, but whatever. She’s a good guy now. Don’t think too much about this, okay?

She has to be taken to wherever she’s assigned. After sending her to get dressed for maximum fuckage, he learns what the cold cream containers are supposed to be about. You see, earlier, multiple instances of this container came up. That’s where the bomb that Gila tried to blow up Flint earlier was stashed, etc. It’s what led him to Exotica. Inside those containers are narcotics that guys take to get horny. Girls are brainwashed. Guys are doped up. He finds his playmates and frees each of them by simply telling them they aren’t pleasure units, and they are all freed and doin’ just fine. I’m sure they weren’t forced to do some seriously heinous shit with some (probably) pretty disgusting dudes.

I like that the girls are dressed and assigned to different things. Two of them were in a swinging 60s dance room. One was dressed like a masseuse in Roman times. Another was in a room dressed up like a drive-in, and therefore she’s dressed like a teenager playing grab ass with her boyfriend in his car. Anna has a crazy get-up, but Gila is just a normal Roman babe… I guess. Anyway, we have some variety in our sexiness.

He tells the girls to hang out in the Hoth fantasy room while he goes and fucks Galaxy up. The first thing Flint does is open up the communications again and tells Z.O.W.I.E. that he’s still alive, just as the President goes on air to provide the answer to Galaxy’s demands. It’s not long before Galaxy realizes that it’s Flint who is starting to mess some things up around the compound. He takes wrenches to machinery and consoles. He karate chops guys. He turns knobs. It’s creating a lot of havoc, but more like the annoying kind, and maybe less the “completely shutting down the weather-controlling device” kind.

Naturally, this comes down to fisticuffs between Flint and Malcolm. It’s a pretty decent fight. Flint has nothing but his arms, legs, and fists for defense. Malcolm has a pipe and a steel glove for extra punching. He ultimately knocks Malcolm off the stairs around the weather-controlling device. The doctors try to stop Flint from destroying their great work. Flint tells them that their perfect world is not perfect for him. They ultimately decide to surrender to avoid their great machine from being destroyed. However, Malcolm is a little turd and decides he wants to dish out some death in Flint’s direction. He throws one of those heavy hooks at him, but it only hits a pipe, which blows steam onto the three doctors, causing them to fall over into the bottomless pit that their machine is in.

Malcolm is ultimately destroyed as he tries to take over Galaxy by using the doctors’ desk to tell everyone to stay on the island and calm down. Everyone flees while Flint gets his playmates (now his FIVE playmates because Gila is totally into that Coburn diiiiiick). They escape and get picked up by the U.S. Navy, and they all live hornily ever after. THE END.

Our Man Flint is a fun, if not very goofy, flick. It is structured very much like a Bond film. You have a cold open sequence giving some clue as to either the heroism of our hero or the villainy of the bad guys. You have our hero getting called into action and service. He goes jetsetting on an international adventure. He seduces a bad girl. He “allows” himself to be captured. He lays waste to the bad guys’ fort/dungeon/base/satellite. He gets to have ALL the girls.

This is technically a parody, but only in the way that people think they would act if they were Bond, you know? Like, Bond is super smart if the situation requires it. He’s able to instantly score a baddie, even if she is actually a baddie. When it comes to his smarts, he knows things that there is no single reason in the whole wide world why anyone would know, like the ingredients for a bouillabaisse that he blurts out from total recall. I think this movie does a good job of having him kind of at odds with his boss. That may not have been as obvious to people in the early Bond movies, but James Bond and M did have a contentious relationship because of Bond’s cavalier attitude and the ease with which he knows something better or more detailed than his boss. That stuff really works.

I think if you know that Flint is playing up the stuff that any normal person would find kind of mildly annoying about James Bond’s personality, and cranking it to 11, you would not be bothered by the first 30 or so minutes of the movie.

What is a little more accurate is that the Austin Powers character is, honestly, more on par with being a parody of Derek Flint than James Bond. Flint’s escapades and the actions of Galaxy fit well with some of what Austin Powers does as he battles the machinations of Dr. Evil, even if Dr. Evil dresses like Blofeld. The main difference is that, for maximum comedic effect, Austin Powers is kind of a dummy, or at least his lifestyle gets in his way, whereas Derek Flint is almost annoyingly intelligent, and his lifestyle serves him well.

What I find really interesting about Our Man Flint is that this movie takes itself very seriously while simultaneously refusing to take itself seriously. The movie allows for chuckles and silliness. Yet, the stakes are reasonably high, and the movie is well made. Some of the action stuff is pretty good, even if it is largely reserved for the final 30 minutes. I don’t think anyone would say this movie belongs in the upper echelon of Bond films, but I think it’s easy to say this movie is among the very tippy top best Bondsploitation films – the glut of spy thrillers, serious and funny (and Italian), that rolled out the moment the Bond franchise became an international smash hit.

This was a movie that 20th Century Fox had a lot of faith in. They committed over $3.5 million to the production. While 1965’s Thunderball had a budget of nearly three times that, 1964’s Goldfinger had a budget of $3 million. This movie, most of the time, looked like it would fit right in with the scenery, sets, and overall style of one of those early Bond films. The movie ended up being a hit at the box office too. It made nearly $13 million. That’s a solid hit in 1966. Sure, that figure is nowhere near the amounts the Bond films were raking in, but certainly respectable considering the cost and the era.

Overall, I’m not totally surprised that I found this movie to be fun. I’ve seen this before, along with the sequel, In Like Flint (which very obviously got greenlit after this movie did well). I think there was a part of me that thought, “Oh yeah, this is the movie in which James Coburn is supposed to be super spying around, and he ends up gettin’ down at a happenin’ dance club.” The other part of me was, “No, this movie is an actual attempt to make an off-color James Bond film that is both serious, but having fun.” I think that’s what makes this movie charming. There are meme-able things about this movie, but it’s also a very earnest production with no one phoning anything in. You might think Derek Flint is kind of up his own ass and always trying to be the coolest and smartest guy in the room, but he could have ended the threat and didn’t because he wanted to save the women he really does have affection for. The movie ultimately proves to be a kind of serious parody (if that makes sense) and turns itself into a fun little ride.

Next week, we go to the mid 70s for one of those pre-Star Wars, maybe takes itself a little more serious than it should, science fiction flicks that I’ve had on my list to do for some time now. Oh! And it also has Yul Brynner in it! Oh, and this movie is directed by the guy who did Gymkata! Join me for a review of 1975’s The Ultimate Warrior!

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna head over to Galaxy Island and hang out with some bikini babes.