Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

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Sigh.

You people suck.  I mean it.  You guys are real assholes.

A couple months ago, I put out the call to action for B-Movie Enema Facebook followers to vote for what my May 2017 theme was going to be.  You had marvelous choices.  You could have picked more 80s horror (I subscribe to an entire channel on YouTube that I wanted to pull from).  You could have picked Cannon Films.  You could have chosen the chance to revisit movies from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.  Hell, you could have picked to send me to the Sharknado series!  Shark-fucking-nado!

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Paradise (1982)

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Let’s jump back, for a moment, to 1980.  At the time, a young actress by the name of Brooke Shields was considered both a very pretty girl, and an up and coming actress.  In 1978, Shields starred in a movie called Pretty Baby which covered the taboo topic of child prostitution in the early 20th century.  She was 12 at the time of shooting, and she appeared nude in the film.  If you were 10 to maybe 15 years old at the time, you might have thought that was the tits, but if you were older, you’d probably be some sort of sex weirdo if you found any pleasure in that.

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Date with an Angel (1987)

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I think I’m going to wish I had picked a different movie to include in Phoebe Cates Month.  I mean, Shag is a charming little movie (despite how awkwardly I was turned on by dance numbers including the Confederate flag).  Baby Sister was actually much better than I expected a disposable movie of the week to be.  Next week’s movie, Paradise, has a whole lot going for it despite it being a pretty bad knockoff of an already bad movie.

But, no, I had to include 1987’s Date with an Angel.

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Baby Sister (1983)

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Phoebe Cates Month rolls on with our next movie, the 1983 possibly-sultry-but-maybe-not-tv-movie Baby Sister!

After Cates dove into all our fantasies in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (her second film role, and if you can just hold your damn horses for a couple more weeks, we will certainly be discussing the first film role), she was able to continue to work relatively steadily for the next few years.  Later in 1983, she would get another big-time part in the coming of age comedy Private School before returning to TV to deliver this cherry line in the miniseries Lace where she played a sex symbol actress searching for her natural mother.

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Shag: The Movie (1989)

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It’s a new month and a new opportunity to have a new theme.

Back in December, I covered Alyssa Milano in a way that only a real creep, or possibly that undertaker character Tom Petty played in the “Last Dance with Mary Jane” video, could.  That was a way to look at the body of work of a 90s dream girl who blossomed into a girl who really liked making movies teenage boys liked to watch.  For April, I decided to step back to the 1980s and talk about another brunette vixen that boys love to this day – Phoebe Cates.

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Clinger (2015)

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Okie doke.  It’s the end of March.  It’s also the point to which I have to take a break from all these Amazon Prime horror movies.  I wish I could say that Prime is the gift that keeps on giving, but man…  Each one of these is like I’m gambling.

Like I’m flopping my dickbag onto a little guillotine and then betting on Black on a Roulette wheel and hoping it doesn’t land on Red.  And if it lands on one of the green spots, well…  I don’t think I need to go into too much detail about where they’ll shove my newly severed saddle bag.

In my butt.  That’s where they’ll shove it.

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Spirit Camp (2009)

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March, er, marches on, and next up on my tour of shitty 2000s horror thanks to Amazon Prime is 2009’s Spirit Camp.  Admittedly, whenever I hear the title I think of the 1980s slasher movie involving cheerleaders called Cheerleader Camp.  While Cheerleader Camp had Leif Garrett and Lucinda Dickey and Betsy Russell and Teri Weigel, Spirit Camp has no one I recognize…

Wait…  Roxy Vandiver.  That sounds familiar.  When I watched the trailer for the movie there was this girl with bright blonde hair with super short punk girl cut.  She looks familiar.  I mean, instantly, I thought “Oh that’s the girl I would be really into for no goddamn good reason and it would be a horrible idea for me to be into her.”  But something was itchy in the back of my mind.  Wait.  Itchy?  Wigs make your head itch sometimes…

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Die Die Delta Pi (2015)

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I continue my tour of recent horror movies suggested to me by Amazon Prime, and I think today might just be either a treat or the worse experience of my life.

Die Die Delta Pi is a 2015 horror movie with roots that go back to the 1980s.  It’s clear that the movie was made on something of a home brew.  What I mean by that is that it was made on the cheap with whatever the makers could get.  So we definitely have something that isn’t going to look that great.nor be all that well acted.

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