Welcome back to B-Movie Enema. Also, I guess welcome back to Fred Olen Ray who we most recently had here making some real dumb jokes for the right-wing crowd in Sniper: Special Ops. But I guess we’re back to something a little more palatable with his parody Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold.
So, yeah, this is a parody of the classic Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. However… We’ve been in this neighborhood before. Remember back in 2020, we took a look at the Roger Corman-produced Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader. It was the first time Corman made a 3D movie no less. That movie was somewhat entertaining, but you could also tell, at least to a certain extent, that the movie was somewhat tame.
Wikipedia says that this movie has “much nudity”.
Yeah, this is Fred Olen Ray… He’s likely going to make this real exploitative. But there’s a common place this movie and the giant cheerleader movie begin from – beauty enhancement experiments. In the cheerleader flick, the titular giantess was wanting to wow at the cheerleader tryouts and ends up taking an experimental potion that makes her drop dead gorgeous and then made her real big. Here, we find out that Angel Grace, our titular giant centerfold, will also take some beauty enhancement treatments to try to become the Centerfold of the Year for Plaything Magazine. You have my interest piqued, movie.
What am I waiting for, I should dive right in!
Now, I don’t mind saying that I’m not all that surprised that this is likely a “full screen” presentation. There ain’t no way this movie played in a movie theater. It was direct to video the whole way. So seeing the menus appear to be in the regular ol’ square-ish format doesn’t bother me. But do you know what bothers me? You wanna know? You wanna know what sticks in my craw like nothing else?
No… It ain’t the apostrophe instead of just putting “Foot” or “Ft” in the title. It’s the pluralization of Centerfold. I thought this movie was Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold singular? That means that whoever put this DVD together didn’t give two flying fucks to get the title right. Just put some blonde babes in their underwear and bikinis on the screen and fuck ’em if anyone says we got the title wrong!
We’re in trouble folks.
The movie proper starts in a lab in a building on a stormy night. Professor Z-Man is working on an experiment. No shit, this science man is John Lazar from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. His lab assistant is all-time 80s and 90s movie babe Michelle Bauer. They’ve given something they’ve been working on to a pair of lab rats. What this stuff is, I couldn’t say, but I can say that both Michelle Bauer and the other guy is a little worried that Z-Man is pushing forward with trials.
A couple things of note as the credits roll, we’ve got another Ross Hagen flick. He’s got a small part in this movie as a truck driver. In addition, Tim Abell is also in this. He was our star in Sniper: Special Ops. Yeah yeah yeah… I know Seagal’s name was above the title, but he was, in no fucking universe, the lead in that movie.
Another troubling thing I need to call out here. So right after the credits, we get to see our three competing Playthings going up against each other as Centerfold of the Year. We have them doing this photoshoot, right? Well, the photographer is just going around with one of the most common cameras you could buy at any ol’ Best Buy in 1995. It’s like a Minolta or something that you load up regular ol’ 35mm film into and snap pics. No extra lens on it for crystal clear close ups and zooms. I also presume there is no high speed film to catch shit in between movements and what have you. What’s more, every picture he snaps, there’s a bright flash. But I want you to tell me what’s wrong with that happening in the movie…
There’s no flash bulb on the camera. Yes, they have one of those flashing things set up on set, but, uh… Doesn’t it have to be connected to the camera in order for the bulb to know when to flash? Look, I know this is a Fred Olen Ray movie. I know it’s not very high in budget. What budget they had was to pay for actresses to take their tops off and have Z-Man feed experimental shit to rats. Fine. Shit. The DVD menu couldn’t even get the title right. I’ll let this slide.
At least the girls are mostly attractive?
The girl above is Angel, played by J.J. North. Angel is a little more down to earth. Another blonde up for the title of Centerfold of the Year is named Inga. The third person up for the title is redheaded Betty. Betty is a cunt. She thinks she’s got this in the bag. Betty kind of looks like a porn version of Dana Delaney. But anyway, she tries to rile Angel up. She first says that Angel is probably, like 30. She then asks if Angel’s tits have gotten smaller.
Now, I’m gonna go there because Betty is a fucking bitch. Betty looks like she’s 40 and she has to rock hard breast implants. Implants, I might add, smaller than Angel’s. Fuck Betty. She’s an asshole.
Angel goes to see Z-Man to get back into the beauty enhancement program to make sure she wins the title of Centerfold of the Year. She begs and pleads until he gives in and gives her a case of 30-day doses of the enhancer. She’s told that she must take ONLY ONE dose per day. No more and no less. Any deviation of this dosage could be fatal.
Speaking of Bitchy Betty… Let’s see what she’s up to in her dressing room hours after they finished their photoshoot…
So yeah… She fucked up the pics that was going to be sent to the publisher to make his choice for Centerfold of the Year. Betty thinks maybe she should sleep with him, but the photographer says that he’s got a girlfriend who is insanely jealous and she should stay away from Mr. Gordon. He offers up his dick but she says that won’t do her any good.
There’s a problem back at the lab and at Angel’s home. Angel takes one dose and her tits get super big – right away. Back at the lab, Z-Man gets a call from one of his assistants that he needs to go to the lab right away. It turns out the rats are super sized.
That’s a pretty funny rat. Anyway, that assistant is also George Stover. Stover was probably best known for Don Dohler’s The Alien Factor and Nightbeast. I do like some of the movie’s attempt to be playful. I’ll give Fred Olen Ray the credit he deserves for this and for Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. He knows to not take himself too seriously. That giant rat is perfectly chuckle-worthy. In addition to that, when Angel was waiting to see Z-Man (yes, I don’t care to learn his science man’s name in this movie), she’s in the waiting room with the Invisible Man. There are some clever jokes thrown in there for good measure about how long it’s been since the nurse had seen him, of course he hadn’t either. Later, when the girls get to the Playgirl Mansion, Gordon has his girlfriend collect their bags and she has to avoid dangerous stuff all over the place while trying to carry all their bags all at once. It’s cute enough to not be mad about.
So the girls are settling in at the mansion. Of course, each of the three girls try to flirt with the publisher. Rosita, the girlfriend/maid/caddy, is a major asshole to the girls and that’s kinda funny too.
That night, after having struck out earlier with Bitchy Betty, Mark, the photographer decides he wants to take a shot at Inga. I… I do not blame him. I think Inga, played by Raelyn Saalman, is the best looking of the three and the one I’d immediately pick for Centerfold of the Year.
One thing I should apologize for… This DVD is not the greatest looking in terms of the picture. I’m pretty sure this is in 480, standard definition. It’s fuzzy as shit. I would like to see high def titties, goddammit.
Mark strikes out with Inga. He then tries Bitchy Betty and she sends him over to Angel. Angel accepts his invite for champagne. Mark’s assistant on shoots is Wilson, a nerdy guy, and he crushes on Angel and so it’s kind of a bummer that he’s outside while his photographer pal is trying to take advantage of Angel. Anyway, we’re 27 minutes into this movie and there is no giant centerfold. I’m beginning to get discouraged.
Angel oversleeps and has to get to the beach photoshoot where the other girls are. Panicking, she decides to take, like, four or five beauty enhancer doses. It apparently works well enough because it does her make up for her, but she no longer fits into her heels. When she finally gets to the beach, it’s clear she’s looking taller.
I have to admit I got a pretty good laugh out of Bitchy Betty getting frustrated during the shoot and telling Angel, “Quit being taller than me!”
You know, once upon a time, I did that second run of Full Moon Features movies from their spicier Torchlight division. If I’m being fair, I kinda came down hard on some of those movies for being kind of cheap and sort of poor excuses to just get to topless girls. Some of those movies had a little bit of effort. Some did not. I will give this movie some credit for kind of falling in line with some of those Torchlight flicks that actually have a little bit of fun to them. Think Beach Babes from Beyond kind of fun. Maybe not quite as engaging as that one, but certainly more interesting than the second Beach Babes movie. This is cheeky, and kinda silly and so far… mostly harmless. Either you’re into the shenanigans with the barely dressed and busting out babes or you’re not.
Me? Well, I’m still here, aren’t I? I guess I’m kinda into the movie enough to not be too disappointed that we’re only just now getting to Angel starting to blow up.
During the shoot, Angel gets woozy and collapses. Bitchy Betty says that she thinks the competition got a little easier. Inga tells her to shut the fuck up. Mark says she looks fine, but then Wilson says she doesn’t look too good and needs help right away. Mark, Inga, and Bitchy Betty get Gordon and they come back to the beach to find an interesting development has occurred while they were at the house.
Meanwhile, back at the lab, Z-Man has hired a rat exterminator. He comes in with a bandolero of mouse traps and wearing rat-skin boots. He’s going to track down and kill the other giant rat that escaped after they discovered it got huge.
Back at the Plaything Mansion, they’ve gotten a circus tent so she can stay covered up. She dreams of what Z-Man told her – only one dose per day! Meanwhile, Gordon and Mark talk about what the publisher would like to do with Angel. He wants to exploit her condition. Gordon wants to make all the money he can off her and, then, once they are done, he’ll send her off to the military to get poked and prodded and experimented on. Gordon sends Mark to talk her into the plan since she’s kind of sweet on him. Wilson overhears the entire plan.
Wilson confronts Mark. He wants to know what Mark and Gordon were talking about doing with Angel because he cares about her. Mark reminds him that he’s the one she cares about. He then strikes a match on Wilson’s fucking face and basically tells the dude tough shit, he’s going to do whatever he wants with this plan.
For a second… Just look at this rat hunter. This shit is goofy. He’s got silly tools for the job and, yes, that’s a giant mouse hole in the wall. When the rat fights off the exterminator, he runs away screaming.
I think it’s pretty funny that this is an 85-minute movie and there has to be two storylines to follow. It’s like they have the idea for a movie called Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold and that whole plot of a giant, 60-foot centerfold can’t take up a full 85 minutes. So they have to have the giant rat plot back at the lab to fill out the movie. That’s both funny and kind of sad.
I will say one thing, though for this movie… Those are some huge knockers.
Bob Gordon tells Inga and Bitchy Betty that he’s gotta postpone the contest for Centerfold of the Year. Yes, Angel is giant, but that doesn’t mean she’s been taken out of the running. Inga would like to see Angel, but Gordon tells her now’s not a good time. He tells the two girls that they are to keep the whole thing with Angel hush-hush. I suspect Bitchy Betty will not stick to that in the long run.
Alright, so at the lab, they escalate the hunt for the missing rat. First, they brought in a giant mousetrap. Sure, you might think that it’s funny that they have a giant mousetrap, and it is. But they have two dummy security guards carry the thing and set the trap only for us to hear the trap go off and probably kill those two security guards. Second, they just get a giant revolver and give it to Michelle Bauer who jumps and fires the gun whenever she hears any noise to the point that Z-Man has to take beg her to chill the fuck out.
Another good couple jokes happen back with Angel. She laments how she feels like Godzilla and that she doesn’t even look as good as the Big G when she’s not wearing any makeup. So, Mark and Wilson bring in something Gordon had made for Angel special. They carry in what can only be described as a gigantic vibrator, but they remove the lid and reveal it’s only lipstick. Then, she laments that the giant French bread baguettes aren’t quite enough for her. She wants a Fatburger. So Wilson has to go and order 250 Fatburgers. The girl at the counter just slowly blinks and asks if he would like fries with that. Then, she wants to know if Wilson wants that order for here or to go. It’s a pretty well timed scene between Wilson and the girl at the counter.
We get a quick scene back at the lab where we think Michelle Bauer and George Stover have come up with a spray to make Angel smaller. They test it with the rat they still have caged and it appears to work… until the rat explodes.
Wilson tries to tell Angel that Mark and Gordon are planning on using her, but she doesn’t believe it. He tells her that Mark doesn’t really care for Angel like he does for her, but she refuses to think Mark would be that way. She asks Wilson to try again to contact Z-Man and ask him why he hasn’t come out to see her since she got big. Wilson asks what if Mark never made the call to him. Angel says he just wouldn’t do that to her, but as Wilson leaves, she does ask herself if maybe Mark would be that way.
Tired of waiting around for someone to get Z-Man to talk to her, Angel decides to go for a walk toward town. She first tries to ask Tommy Kirk and Ross Hagen for directions to town but they drive off scared. They end up at a gas station where a local reporter trying to follow up on the gas station attendant’s story about being abducted by a UFO overhears them say something about a giant woman and decides to chase after her. She then gets into a small town where she gets noticed by a guy who’s probably had a few drinks tonight.
I will give the movie one thing, it’s got good enough effects while Angel is walking around and being spotted by the locals. I’m assuming this was all shot similarly to how the old Attack of the 50 Foot Woman was shot. It might be an outdated process in terms of how effects are done in the 90s, but it looks pretty good. Everyone’s looking exactly where they should and it looks fairly well integrated. I definitely have kudos in that department.
The next day, Wilson finally gets in contact with Z-Man and tells the doc that Angel’s grown a little. So Z-Man is going to head out to the Plaything Mansion. Speaking of, Angel is doing some shots with Mark. That reporter who was originally looking for UFOs? Yeah, he’s seemingly, maybe, closing in on her too? There are less than 20 minutes left in the movie, so hopefully all these plotlines can get the resolved…
I do have a question…
I would assume this is a universe in which the concept of forced perspective exists, right? Okay, yeah, she’s doing this shoot in what I assume is some sort of retention tank for water. That’s kind of cute. It’s almost like she’s in a tub or a hot tub or something. How would anyone believe that’s not trickery in the shots or in the photo composition? I wouldn’t believe for a moment they actually have a 60-foot centerfold.
Eh… fuck it.
Bitchy Betty is PISSED at the clear indication that Angel is going to be Centerfold of the Year. She tells Inga that she’s going to look for how Angel fixed the competition in her favor. So she goes sneaking around her room until she finds her beauty enhancement doses.
I do want to clarify something here about Bitchy Betty. I said earlier that I found her mean comments toward Angel to be especially shitty because 1) Angel’s tits are bigger than hers and 2) she said Angel looked 30 when I wasn’t sure that Betty wasn’t 40 herself. That was kind of mean, but goddammit, Betty was being a cunt and I retaliated. But I do want to say that, for one, I’m sure the actress playing Betty, Tammy Parks was not 40. In actuality, she was 29 or 30 when the movie was shot. However, there was this time in the 80s and 90s in which women would get these boob jobs that looked like rocks, and, then, on top of that, they would remain very low on body fat to the point that some places made their skin do weird things. Then… they’d tan and it would almost give them a weird, leathery appearance. Tammy Parks is a pretty girl. She just is not photographed particularly well in this movie and it hurts that beauty.
There, I cleared that up.
While Angel starts to doubt the truth about whether or not Gordon and Mark got her a specialist to see why she’s gotten so large, Inga discovers the doses that Betty did. It looks like Betty took just as much of the stuff that Angel did right before she got bigger. Wilson tells Angel that there never was a specialist coming to help her and that Gordon and Mark had been lying to her this whole time. Gordon tells Angel she’s one of a kind and that she’ll be bigger than Elvis. That’s when giant Betty comes in to say she’s no longer one of a kind now that she figured out the secret.
And… yes… this leads to a giant catfight.
Z-Man arrives and now sees there are two giantesses to deal with, but he’s got the spray from the lab. I… Hmmm. Did they make a new version of the spray or are they just hoping it works better on people than it does rats? I have my doubts. Anyway, they fire the tranquilizer and hit Betty. It doesn’t do anything to her. She throws the tranquilizer dart at Gordon and sticks him in the butt with it.
One last decent joke for the road as the girls chase each other toward the city… One of them emptied a delivery van that was originally full of “Belligerent Bitch Vodka”. Z-Man says that it doesn’t look good.
The girls fight their way into Los Angeles while a sort of knock-off instrumental version of something that almost sounds like “Saturday’s Alright for Fighting” plays. Again, the effects look good with the giantesses. I’m sure this is an old effect that might use some compositing and some force perspective that dates back to the 50s, but it all looks pretty good. There aren’t even any times in which the lighting looks off or odd.
Anyway, Z-Man, Mark, and Wilson get there to spray the girls with the shrinking stuff. Angel punches out Betty and Z-Man tells Angel she’s gonna be fine. Then, when Mark is about to kiss Angel, Wilson punches him out and gets the girl. Mark tries kissing betty, but she explodes, taking him with her. Is… Is Angel going to explode?
Eh… fuck it.
The movie ends with a couple ladies seeing the tabloid story about the “War of the Colossal Centerfolds!” and laugh it off as fake. See what I mean? No one is gonna believe that shit! Anyway, they also have a story in the same tabloid about a giant rat terrorizing Beverly Hills.
While the movie does start a tad slow, it is a fun watch. Like I said, it could be near the league of Beach Babes from Beyond. Certainly, you can say it’s every bit as entertaining as Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader. Some of the jokes are very broad and will either hit or not. Still, I had a good time with the movie that was never going to take itself anywhere near serious. It’s what you want from a movie with a title like Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold. If you are expecting completely straight-faced seriousness with a movie with that title, you’re probably pretty delusional about a lot of things.
But you know what I’m not delusional about? What’s coming in August. I talked about it back in April, and it’s finally time to dig deep into the Phantasm sequels. I’m going six feet deep on each of the four bonkers sequels for a series that probably didn’t need sequels at all, but we got them anyway. I’ll do what I did with the first and get into what I think the themes of the movies are and try to decipher some of the more heady stuff that lies within. So come finish out the summer with me and the Tall Man!
In the meantime, check out all the links on the top of the column to your right. That’s where you’ll find where to follow B-Movie Enema on Facebook and Twitter as well as where you’ll find B-Movie Enema: The Series. The second half of Season 3 starts back up on the first Saturday in August, so be sure you check it out and I’ll see you back here in seven short days to kick off Phantasm Sequels Month!